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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 19, 2013 1:35am-2:06am PDT

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yesterday snowden sat down with journalist glen greenwald to explain himself. >> i've been a systems engineer, systems administrator, senior advisor for the central intelligence agency, solutions consultant and a telecommunications information systems officer. >> stephen: that's smart. you have to get your resume out there because i think you're about to get a pink slip from the sky. and after adding that he speaks french and can use powerpoint, snowden went into detail about the n.s.a.'s eavesdropping program. >> the n.s.a. specifically targets the communications of anyone. any analyst at any time can target anyone. sitting at my desk i certainly
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had the authority to wire tap anyone from you or your accountant to a federal judge to even the president if i had a personal email. >> stephen: how hard is that? during the election i got emails from him five times a day. folks, snowden's got the program all wrong. according to director of national intelligence (claps twice) oops, sorry. sorry. (claps twice) james clapper. clapper assures us the eavesdropping program cannot be used to intentionally target any u.s. citizen. just like the acuvibe soft touch personal massager is for neck cramps and cannot be used to
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intentionally target anywhere else. okay? that you can't do. that is under penalty of wow. folks, i'll tell you, i might be the only one saying this but i think i know what's really going on here. the guardian says that snowden had a very comfortable life that included a salary of roughly $200,000 and a girlfriend with whom he shared a home in hawaii. nation, i think this could be the most passive aggressionive break-up in history. "honey, of course i'm into you. yes, i want children. but first i just have to leak a little information about the n.s.a. and hide out in asia for the rest of my life. this isn't about us. i'll be back as soon as i'm sure i won't be murdered by the hong kong triads." we will have more on this story tomorrow. though one last thing on this.
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i do find it suspicious that the same day this guy flees to hong kong, this guy flees to jordan. to direct a "serious movie?" yeah, that's believable. and dig it. who's his replacement? a foreigner. n.s.a., you're going to want to keep your eye on this guy because he is suspicious and very talented. now, folks, i don't know if anyone else has noticed but things are pretty messed up in the middle east. whether it's syria, iran, libya egypt, iraq or syria again. apparently new violence broke out while i was listing those other countries. and it's almost impossible to choose which middle east country i should cover so tonight i turn to a time-honored editorial process: the imploding muslim
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country of the week booth. [ cheers and applause ] welcome. to the imploding muslim country of the week booth brought to you by sabra hummus. serve sabra at your next party and your guests will be chanting "death to hunger." now, i have written the name of every middle eastern country on a different strip of colored paper from allergy i can't to zebra-stan. i will get into the booth and grab one at random to report on. jimmy, let's serve up some baba ga-news.
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and the winner is... that took way longer than it was supposed to. turkey! [ cheers and applause ] yes, yes. turkey. jim? >> violent antigovernment protests have exploded throughout turkey. >> demonstrators say the prime minister is a dictator and they want him to resign. >> more than 400 people have been reported hurt over the last week. >> the streets of some of turkey's biggest cities have become battlefields. police tried to push back protesters with water cannons. the authorities fired tear gas into a crowd of thousands. this started out as a small
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demonstration against the destruction of an istanbul park to make way for a shopping mall. >> stephen: wow! that is the worst mall-related violence since every black friday sale. now it turns out this whole brouhaha is over more than just some park. it's over national identity. you see, for centuries turkey was an ottoman backwater of curved swords, decorative footstool and pouterred sweetmeats. then first turkish president and kid in play tribute head ke mall at a turk dragged the country whirling and dirvishing into the 19th century by abolishing the sultanate, the caliphate and the sharia courts, something tennessee is still trying to do. the people seemed to like it. atta boy ataturk. but that all changed in 2003 with the election of conservative muslim and
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autocratic anagram re-jehp ta-yeep air-doe-ahn. that anagram, by the way, pro gay centipede ray. now, prime minister centipede here has upset some istanbulees by calling for women to have at least three children, single sex beaches and new regulations on the sale of alcohol urging citizens to instead drink ayran, a salty mixture of yogurt and water. but please go easy or you will end up with a nasty case of yogurt goggles and wake up next to a goat. nation, i feel so torn. on the one hand i'm a fan of authoritarians. on the other hand (whispers) he's a muslim.
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what am i supposed to think? here to tell me what i'm supposed to think is the professor at the national war college, omer taspinar. professor, thank you so much for joining me. all right. all right. thank you for joining us from the war college. >> thank you. stephen: home of the fightin' wars. now let's talk turkey, all right? what i don't understand is do they have a democracy there? >> it is is probably. stephen: probably? you're an expert. it's probably. it's like a coin toss on a day-to-day basis. >> there's a debate because here's is a democratic elected leaders. erdogan is democratically elected. in the islamic world it is as democratic as it gets. >> stephen: prime minister centipede, what is going on here? how did he get these people so mad? it can't be just over a mall,
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right. >> there is a big segment of of turkey increasingly frustrated with his authoritarian tendencies. he controls basically commercials. >> stephen: it's like a really great place to go have fun. >> tell me about it. stephen: would you like me to tell you? >> please. stephen: but why is... i don't understand why is the president of the country making decisions about what to do with traffic patterns and like where the mall goes? that would be like barack obama saying, "we need a left turn lane past the arby's on maple street." why is he micromanaging like this? >> partially because he's a control freak. he likes to control things. he likes to basically tell his conservative base that he's doing his upmost to have a conservative agenda. >> where is his power base? if not istanbul, where is it? >> the provinces in the heart
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land conservative religious masses urban poor. >> stephen: basically you have this conservative, the provinces and the hartland versus the liberal... >> upper class. stephen: it's like america but with better kebabs? >> i couldn't say it better. stephen: all right. how did this ultimately shake out? let me translate that for you? when can i stop caring about turkey again? >> i think in the next few weeks we'll see continuing polarization. it just called on its supporters to have a big rally next week in istanbul. don't be surprised if you see one million erdogan supporters in the streets. >> stephen: really? i would be very surprised. professor, thank you so much for joining me. [ cheers and applause ] x
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[ cheers and applause ]
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. nation, you know, they say the cold war ended in 1989 but they also said rat-tails were over. then why does "this baby" feel so right? this is cold war update. nation, the key to defeating our commie enemies has always been eternal readiness to launch our nuclear weapons. but sadly we may no longer be ready to save the world by destroying it. >> talk about a morale issue where you don't real he'll want one. emails obtained by the a.p. show that some military officers who are in charge of the air force's most powerful nuclear weapons are complaining about their jobs. >> stephen: complaining? nuclear launch officer is is the coolest job ever.
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now if a girl says she wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on earth, you can call her bluff. i would love to be in your place standing 24-hour watch over nuclear missiles alert at all times, ready to launch upon presidential order. but instead of feeling honored by their monumental duty, these officers are whining about being stuck in dead-end careers. oh, come on! you have tons of transferable skills. years of sitting in a chair in a constant state of paranoia would make you perfect anchors for fox news. [ cheers and applause ] got a lot of fox news fans tonight. and this isn't the first incident undermining our nuclear readiness, folks. last month, the same launch crews earned a d-grade on their mastery of missile launch
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operations. a d-grade? come on. we are fighting the chinese here. you know their crews are going to earn straight... i want to say, a book shelf on top of a christmas tree. well, folks, to tell you what, to help pump up the next generation for a rewarding career in nuclear service, i have developed an exciting new video game: "call of duty: padded chair." it's a first-person sitter, and it captures all the excitement of the real thing. all you have to do is sit perfectly still not pushing a big, beautiful, shiny, jolly button, the red, candy-like button. just begging to be launched.
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[bleep]. oh, well. you can play again in 100,000 years. we'll be right
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[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has a new book "american savage: insights, slights and fights on faith, sex, love and politics." it is being sold in every section at barnes and noble. please welcome dan savage.
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[ cheers and applause ] good to see you, dan. nice to see you again. always like having you on, dan. frequent friend of the show. your new book is call "american savage." okay. it's been a while since you were on the show. still gay? >> still gay. tephen: because you never know. it's a free country. >> doesn't wash off in the rain. stephen: i know, but the door is always open. >> likewise. stephen: i understand that. but i'm strapped in where i am. thank you. i'm staying on my little... >> usually it's the lesbians who strap in. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: well, safety first. that's very important. now the supreme court is going to be handing down rulings... >> two rulings. stephen: two rulings. one on defense of marriage act. the other one on prop 8 saying no gay marriage in california. >> right. so the defense of marriage act was passed in the '90s.
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bill clinton signed it. the federal government will not recognize same-sex marriages performed in states where it might be legal. this is the first time ever that the federal government has really usurped this power from the states and said we will pick and choose between marriages. first cousins can marry in some states not in others. >> stephen: south carolina. people are legally married in the state where i live, washington state. terry and i are legally married in washington straight. their marriages are recognized by the federal government. ours is not. that has real-world imliks around inheritance, taxes and social security. certainly around taxes. we have a huge tax bill because we cannot file jointly because we are not married. >> stephen: yeah, you're not. you're not. >> we are. we're just as married as our neighbors but the federal government wouldn't recognize or marriage. >> stephen: i'm married to a lady. there's a name for it. it's called marriage. perhaps you've heard of it. >> my marriage is just as marriage as your marriage is.
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>> stephen: you're married to a guy. don't ear flap, okay. it's like two magnets. you have two positive ends. >> you turn one of those magnets around and it fits right in. >> stephen: if you're going to make everything about sex. >> you're making everything about sex. >> stephen: i'm sad. you are making marriage about sex when you say that two men cannot be married. the serious point though is that it is not gay people who wish to redefine marriage. heterosexuals redefine marriage. everything we hear that is a defining characteristic of marriage when gay people want to marriage, monning on knee, religion, children. it's as if straight people are saying you guys have to get married in 1913. we're getting married in 2013. >> stephen: maybe it's a compliment.
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maybe we think we can hole you to a hire standard. >> we are better than you. we want equal rights not double standards. >> stephen: now listen... [ cheers and applause ] thank you. i've got to say, i do think i handled that well. thank you. >> we're not better than you. that was just the heat of the moment. >> stephen: we'll edit out your policy. now you write about things that are not gay rights in this book. obama care, catholicism, physician-assisted suicide. why do you have a right to talk about those things? you're talking about gay people and those things, right. >> i'm talking about obama care generally. i'm a liberal. i'm a progressive but i describe... you would delight in this. i describe obama care in this book as evil. >> stephen: oh, god bless you. it's the lesser of two evil. the system we had before prior to obama care is more evil, but obama care is still a little evil. it is a conservative plot, plan
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hatched by the heritage foundation originally adopted by mitt romney in massachusetts. because obama rolled it out all liberals became emotionally invested in this conservative plan for health care which was to extend private health insurance and subsidize it as opposed to switching to a single payor model like every other industrialized nation. you know who has this single payor model? vatican city. >> stephen: this is it right there. >> it covers everything but birth control because altar boys can't get pregnant. when altar boys start getting pregnant they'll cover birth control too. >> stephen: we're going to gloss over that for just a moment. >> as the catholic church has done for decades. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: dan, thank you so much for joining me. dan savage. the book is "american savage." go get it. we'll be right back. cheers[ cheers
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[ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night. hey! you're home early. they let us out of work 'cause there was a shooting. why are you all sweaty? i was just-- i was working out.
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yeah, is there something you wanna tell me? you're beautiful. anything else, anything... on your mind? nope, no, why? because what are these, kevin? ( bells jingling ) i don't know, what are those? they look like clown panties. why are there clown panties crumpled up in our hallway? are those not yours? no, they're not mind. do they look like the hypoallergenic brand my doctor recommended? no! they look like they belong to a clown. a slut, whore clown! ( bells jingling ) okay, you know, i-- i think i know what that is. i did our laundry at that new laundromat up the street, big top laundry. a lot of local clowns go there, so... hey, i'm glad i worked this out, huh? no. uh, who's sparkles? hmm? sparkles? i went through your phone last night. here, let's take a look. "you up?" "i need you." "honk-honk." that's the type of ( bleep ) you text to a clown! oh! you are ( bleep )! oh, my god, i was just texting a friend from work!
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i can't believe you took my phone! you work with someone at deloitte & touche named sparkles? yes, sparkles biederman! he's been there for years. he's dutch. "your ass is tighter than a balloon giraffe." you text that to a man you work with at a financial consulting firm? it's industry jargon. it's not in your wheelhouse. you know what, this is stupid. let's just look at the security footage from last night. how about that? oh, my god! you are being so crazy right now! ( laughing ) what the ( bleep ) is that, kevin? ( bells jingling ) ( laughing ) okay. you got me. it was supposed to be a surprise for our anniversary.